What Do I Believe, What Don't I Believe & Who Am I Now Anyway?

I have a lot of questions. Maybe I've always had a lot of questions. I guess I am not shy about asking something if I am not understanding it. & I guess I probably like to know what is going on, or how things are working, because it gives me some sense of security or something. It puts me at greater ease.

Right now I guess I have some inside questions going on. & I've been asking God and I guess I am kinda waiting for a few answers.

Looking at trash cans in Walmart this morning I ran into a man I went to church with for years. In catching up, out of both of our mouths came a few things that still have me thinking this morning.

He had asked where I was going to church (knowing I had left where I had been for over 7 years) and I had asked him if he was still at the one he went to when he left where we both were . . .

He answered yes- he was still there, but wished he wasn't. & I answered that I have visited many places but still have not found where I felt I was supposed to be . . .

Ugh----------

& He went on to explain that he loves his Pastor, likes his church just fine, has even been doing a couple things there, with children and adults . . .

But how in some ways, it seems on the surface, not with him, just the setting. That a lot of the people just looked at church as their "duty" for Sunday. & How a lot of leadership----- well, it's just a job . . .

Neither of us are the kind of people that are not happy unless we are tearing someone or something else down. In speaking though, it was evident that we saw some of the same things.

& All this kinda opened up dialogue about the leading up to me being led out the doors of the one we both had been at. Not about that church or even them . . . but about God doing something in me and Him moving me on.

My issue, I KNOW moved me out, . . . but what I missed was the whereto . . .

It's been months now. Almost a year since I left my old church. (left in September of 09) It's been since the first of the year since i left the church I thought I was to go to . . .

Since then, my church going has been pretty much the very picture of what feels like a very gypsy-like existence.

I can go anywhere, visit anywhere, but have not felt the Holy Spirit's tugging that "This is it!"

I know God is real. I know He has done unexplicable things in my own life. No one could ever tell me He does not exist. No one could ever convince me otherwise. I have had experience . . . firsthand knowledge . . . . I have had relationship . . .

& Every day I see Him in little things. Yeah, sometimes I have a bad day and I am inner focused or focused so strongly on something else, maybe I don't notice . . .
but then there He is . . .

But suddenly a lot that I see does seem surface. Like a ball here and a ball there, rolling, . . . like machinery . . . . . running, running, running. -Almost mechanical . . .

I watch this one and listen to that one and a couple times all of a sudden something just wells up in me and I want to scream . . .

Everyone saying something different. Everyone has the answer. Everyone is talking for God.

& I suddenly wonder--- who are the real voices out there? Who are the ones that are coming with nothing but love of God and others? Who?

One day this frustration washed over my body . . . I had been listening to preachers and teachers and prophets . . . etc. and everyone had a particular word or message they were to bring. It was overwhelming and produced a whole lot of questions.

I rolled away from my desk and cried out to God,"Lord!!! Is any of this even real . . . ?"

He didn't answer that question. What He did say, was that I had Him-----and therefore I had all I needed.

& He reinstilled in me the simplicity of the gospel.

He came because they did not know Him, so that they might know Him and be able to even have relationship with Him. He walked with them and supped with them and taught them and prayed for them and showed Himself real . . . so that they might know, and they might go . . . so that the others might know . . .

And then He went to be with the Father-- So:

They walked with them and talked with them and supped with them and taught them and prayed for them and He showed Himself real through them so others might know and they might go . . . .

So that I might know. . . I might be able to have relationship and I might go . . .

And how all the rest, . . . really does not matter.

I have been deep inside the church . . . and I have also been deep outside the church. I have led a christian existence. I have also led a very worldly existence. & I have even led a life that actually seemed to have elements of both---
which just by it's very nature is NOT living for God---- because it is not one way or another. It is like a blade of wheat bloing in the wind . . . & We allknow the Word says that He would rather you be HOT or COLD, but not lukewarm. Lukewarm will cause Him to SPIT YOU out of His mouth! agh . . . .

I have seen and do see horrendous things in this world . . . etrocities . . .
but I have also seen some pretty unloving, or at the least apathic people inside the "church".

I have also saw or worked along side some tremendous individuals trying their best to do as God leads them.

But also saw God flooding out of men and women that don't go to standard "church" at all.

The how I thought things were really aren't in some places. & Either I am amiss or God is changing my perspective again, or giving men further revelation.

I do wish I had a home church. But- maybe for now I am just where I need to be.

GOD BLESS