Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Season . . .
I am almost at a loss. Hasn't been often that I have been left with no words. I guess, I guess this has been a different season of my life. I look back and see different seasons with great uncanny. Yet sitting inside this one, it seems a lot is going on all the time and I barely recognize some places I have been.
There are things I miss, like singing praise and worship. Oh, I still do, but in my car, in my house, in the bathtub . . . ha ha. I guess some things do not change. That particular period of my life was an awesome one, in many resepcts. Singing from the floor with all the others, the Pastor turned and looked at me and said, "You KNOW you're supposed to be singing praise and worship for us, don't you?" I said some non-sensical stuff and nervously exited the conversation. Not long after, conceded, because the fact is God had already been telling me the same thing. I, at that moment, simply chalked it up to maybe the Pastor liking my voice . . . Wasn't long after I was on Praise and Worship. Funny thing, when you are trying to follow Jesus, . . . the Lord has a way of impressing on you where He wants you to be. Haha. So, I nervously took stage, and for a long while, almost hated it. I love to sing, but I was sqeemish. I could hardly look at all the people that suddenly seemed to be staring in my direction. I didn't like the attention and was terrified to sound bad etc. . . . I can say one thing about that early time, He carried me. He walked me up there, put a microphone in my hand and then "took me" somewhere . . . so I no longer could see the people or was even thinking of them. & Then He brought out of me the part of me He knew was in there somewhere. Things started to change. I started feeling comfortable and eventually it seemed the presence was heavy everytime Sunday rolled around. I ended up singing 6 1/2 years.
About six months after a failed marriage, with a then husband who was somewhere else, I stepped down. I realized that my heart no longer wanted restoration. Maybe it never did. The marriage itself probably should not have happened. & When he came, I knew this. Told him the first day after I had had a good time but I had asked God. I hadn't even made it back into my door yet and stood on my back porch when God gave me a pretty clear answer. See, until that time, heartbroken that I had lost the one I truly had dearly loved, I got a word from God that someone was coming and he was coming just for me. Fifty percent of me thought it was my true love, coming back, but the "right" way. The other fifty thought, if it wasn't him, then it must be someone awesome and he must be a Christian. & Somehow God would just mend my heart . . . cause afterall, how else would it work?!? & I got up and brushed myself off, . . . and I kept walking and doing and showing up . . . When I started professing that God said someone was coming and coming just for me, people either seemed to feel sorry for me or they asked, "Well when the one comes that is the one, how will you know?" & My reply was always the same "I don't know I'll just know." That night when I was dropped off from having dinner, I sat in his truck and thought "he is NOT the one" but did not understand why. I let him peck kiss me thinking something would spark, . . . it didn't. Still thought, "he isn't the one" but did not understand why. Got to the porch and started asking God, while even looking at the truck in my then drive. I was trying to cess it out, almost reasoning. "Lord, he is a nice man. About the right age. We had a good time. He even wants to live in the country! So, why wouldn't he be the one?!" & Very plainly I felt the Lord say, "Well did you just know?!" OH! Ha ha. Used my very words on me . . . (Clearly GOd DOES HAVE a sense of humor!)
For three months I kept telling him, and I truly have no idea if it was one thing or a multitude of things that led me to eventually change my mind. I know I was still in love with the one that was no longer there. I also know I grew very tired. I also know that this new one was a pretty awwesome guy. He was nice for the most part and easy going. He seemed to really love God. He somewhere in there changed churches, left his for mine. I got so upset when he told me he was going to do this, even asking if the "one" came what was going to happen, because we WERE friends, but I knew he'd be hurt, but if that ONE came, I would go on with that one, then what . . . It literally got to having to tell him and retell him every day that I was sorry, but he was NOT the one. That I wold remain his friend, etc. In my mind and heart, GOd had already spoken right at the beginning. I'm not sure what exactly wore me down. It probably didn't help (me) that everyone loved him. Everyone thought he was great. & I had comments from various people along the way, wondering if I was missing something from the Lord . . . One lady Kay, repeatedly, saying "I don't know. . . he sure is going to make someone a good husband." I remember being tired of it once and saying back, "Yes, he probably will. I'm not sure whose husband he is, . . . I just know he's not mine". Funny,. . . cause at the end of those three months, it's like I just caved. & Suddenly I looked out at all these people, who knew God . . . and I looked at him, who knew God . . . and I thought to myself "Surely ALL these people can't be wrong and I'm the only one right here."
& That's all it takes. That's all it took . . . one thought. One thought and a tired person who was also lonely. Then followed thoughts of, "Well you don't love each other, but . . . you are good friends. That probably wouldn't be so bad." More thoughts . . . "Maybe God has something for us to do . . . " More thoughts . . . .
The Lord tried to stop me. Besides initially telling me, He really didn't let it get more "comfortable". I was at ease with him as a friend and talking about "God stuff", but that's really all we had. I was not attracted to him, even though he was not a bad looking man. What we liked to do vary greatly and how we viewed work did too.
The moment I mouthed that I had been thinking and wondered if maybe God WAS trying to do something, . . . I ended up engaged. That's was April 4th. We were married on May 12th. We didn't allow really any time for anyone to secong guess. & At the time, the Pastor was sure we shouldn't let any time pass, or I might, indeed, change my mind.
Just days before the wedding God even gave me a dream of seeing myself in bright sunshine, alone, walking down the road AWAY from the house we were then going to live in. In the dream, a car came quickly up the road and slammed on the breaks. The window rolled down and I saw my Pastor who look at me very angrily and said, "What are you doing?!?!?!" and I wanted to say something but was unable to . . . . Then he said,"Get inthe car!!!" And I did . . .
By the time I had this dream, though, I was so turned that all I remember thinking . . . and saying aobut it was, "Man, the devil sure will do anything to get you not to do what God wants!" hmmm--- Wow, hindsight.
& When that didn't work, the very night before the wedding I stopped athte new house to see him before I went home. He was there with his best friend/best man. I happily told him about visiting my friend Chuck before I arrived, He got very angry. He proceded to tell me I would not be talking to or seeing him anymore. I got very upset. After all, I had talked very infrequently to this friend Chuck, who I had known for years, who was the only one of the prior eight years of my life that I had contact with. Chuck and I were never more than friends. & This new man knew I occasionally checked in on him etc. After all, this man was the only friend that stuck with me and checked on me every now and gain after losing the man I loved. He was only one of that whole period of my life I ever saw. & I had plainly told this guy how much Chuck meant, how I couldn't wit for him to know him and how he was a true friend and it needed to remain that way------before this night. I was upset. So was he. I got so upset I opted to leave. He didn't want me to, not that way. Then he was afriad that I would cancel the wedding, which was the next day. & He manhandled me and pushed me around that night not letting me go. I even called out to the friend, but he chose to stay out of it. Finally he did let go and I did leave, distraught and confused but still telling him that I wouldn't cancel. . . . & Let me say, I know he didn't mean to. He did, though. & If nothing up to that point made me stop in my tracks, that should have. I can't explain why it didn't. I guess by then I thought that surely God must have a plan. So despite the huge uneasiness, I had determined to follow through, . . . even without love, even with no understanding of it, despite what had just happened. So that night I drove home. the next day I showed up and had to have my sister put make-up on a trail of bruises on my upper left back, that I assume was gotten from landing up again something . . .
And that day I stood before God and man and had made promises, that in the end, neither of us kept.
& Sitting here now, I know that God would have preferred that we kept our vows, stayed together and let Him walk us through it. Sitting here now I also know that He really really isn't not obligated to "bless" something that wasn't His idea.
When we had to move, that man did not come with me. It was the weirdest time. There was no explanation and yet we'd show up on church on Sunday and sit together etc. I heard through the grapevine that the first couple weeks he'd went camping, to the races, fishing . . . etc. On my end all I knew is he hadn't come and he didn't explain why . . . but I didn't ask either.
I also know two days in, me and my daughter in the house in town, carrying a box from the garage I broke completely down on the back step. & I cried that day aloud and I was apologizing to God again for failing. I rmember even saying how I didn't even know what I had done this time . . . & I had looked at the back of the house, which ironically the same house I had lived in before when he came and I borke down more. & I cried out, being sorry that I, in essence, just really felt I was going backwards and that here I am Lord, even back at the same house . . .
At the moment I cried out my apology and heart to God, He just seemed to wash over me with this very warm and full feeling . . . and inside all it felt like was "It's okay that you;re going backwards." & Peace washed through me like warm syrup . . .
The very next day, in almost the same place, carrying yet another box from the garage to the house, I just had this feeling come over in my very gut that said, "Don't worry, it isn't coming back". Immediately I took that to mean, or "just knew" that meant the "marriage" I did not understand. & Whether right or wrong, . . . I felt relief.
I did feel for the first six months though, that I was to "do nothing" about it. & I didn't. Still, conversations didn't happen. No one came to reclaim their wife or anything. It was just odd. Very weird.
So again, as in the beginning, six months after being separated, . . . I no longer felt I should be singing from stage. I didn't want people looking on, and considering me leadership when obviously things in my life had gotten to such an odd place, . . . and because my heart no longer was for the idea of restoration . . .
I knew from God talking to me that it would unravel and be no more. I didn't know how though.
We were separated about 15 months to the day before a dissolution was signed and ruled over.
He went his way and I went mine. We both, thankfully, wished each other well. & I really do hope wherever he is he is blessed and enjoying where God has Him. I never see him anymore.
So many lessons there. Most of them after the fact. Most, though, wouldn't not have been suffered or walked out by either of us, had I actually listened to, trusted and not waivered on what I knew that I knew that I knew God had told me.
When we are weak or tired, the enemy surely does come in like a flood and he will take us off course using anything, even something or someone wonderful.
We just all have to walk close enough that we can hear Him . . . and then close enough that we are not moved.
Yes, I truly miss praise and worship on a coroporate level. I cannot explain the "feeling" of being "home" that I had all those years . . .
But- I do still do praise and worship - now in a quieter way, I guess, to the God who has never forsaken me, . . . even when I have forsaken Him.
I don't know what is in store for me or my walk now. I have some indicators but even there I am not sure.
I think singing is in there, also eventually speaking- to whom or where, . . . I have no idea. Writing? not sure. I sometimes think God uses writing as therapy for me . . .
I still deliver bread most weeekends to needy and un-needy alike. Was a door he opened and kept me in.
Other than that, I am almost at a loss. Hasn't been often that I have been left with no words. I guess, I guess this has been a different season of my life.
Just a different season . . .
God bless-
There are things I miss, like singing praise and worship. Oh, I still do, but in my car, in my house, in the bathtub . . . ha ha. I guess some things do not change. That particular period of my life was an awesome one, in many resepcts. Singing from the floor with all the others, the Pastor turned and looked at me and said, "You KNOW you're supposed to be singing praise and worship for us, don't you?" I said some non-sensical stuff and nervously exited the conversation. Not long after, conceded, because the fact is God had already been telling me the same thing. I, at that moment, simply chalked it up to maybe the Pastor liking my voice . . . Wasn't long after I was on Praise and Worship. Funny thing, when you are trying to follow Jesus, . . . the Lord has a way of impressing on you where He wants you to be. Haha. So, I nervously took stage, and for a long while, almost hated it. I love to sing, but I was sqeemish. I could hardly look at all the people that suddenly seemed to be staring in my direction. I didn't like the attention and was terrified to sound bad etc. . . . I can say one thing about that early time, He carried me. He walked me up there, put a microphone in my hand and then "took me" somewhere . . . so I no longer could see the people or was even thinking of them. & Then He brought out of me the part of me He knew was in there somewhere. Things started to change. I started feeling comfortable and eventually it seemed the presence was heavy everytime Sunday rolled around. I ended up singing 6 1/2 years.
About six months after a failed marriage, with a then husband who was somewhere else, I stepped down. I realized that my heart no longer wanted restoration. Maybe it never did. The marriage itself probably should not have happened. & When he came, I knew this. Told him the first day after I had had a good time but I had asked God. I hadn't even made it back into my door yet and stood on my back porch when God gave me a pretty clear answer. See, until that time, heartbroken that I had lost the one I truly had dearly loved, I got a word from God that someone was coming and he was coming just for me. Fifty percent of me thought it was my true love, coming back, but the "right" way. The other fifty thought, if it wasn't him, then it must be someone awesome and he must be a Christian. & Somehow God would just mend my heart . . . cause afterall, how else would it work?!? & I got up and brushed myself off, . . . and I kept walking and doing and showing up . . . When I started professing that God said someone was coming and coming just for me, people either seemed to feel sorry for me or they asked, "Well when the one comes that is the one, how will you know?" & My reply was always the same "I don't know I'll just know." That night when I was dropped off from having dinner, I sat in his truck and thought "he is NOT the one" but did not understand why. I let him peck kiss me thinking something would spark, . . . it didn't. Still thought, "he isn't the one" but did not understand why. Got to the porch and started asking God, while even looking at the truck in my then drive. I was trying to cess it out, almost reasoning. "Lord, he is a nice man. About the right age. We had a good time. He even wants to live in the country! So, why wouldn't he be the one?!" & Very plainly I felt the Lord say, "Well did you just know?!" OH! Ha ha. Used my very words on me . . . (Clearly GOd DOES HAVE a sense of humor!)
For three months I kept telling him, and I truly have no idea if it was one thing or a multitude of things that led me to eventually change my mind. I know I was still in love with the one that was no longer there. I also know I grew very tired. I also know that this new one was a pretty awwesome guy. He was nice for the most part and easy going. He seemed to really love God. He somewhere in there changed churches, left his for mine. I got so upset when he told me he was going to do this, even asking if the "one" came what was going to happen, because we WERE friends, but I knew he'd be hurt, but if that ONE came, I would go on with that one, then what . . . It literally got to having to tell him and retell him every day that I was sorry, but he was NOT the one. That I wold remain his friend, etc. In my mind and heart, GOd had already spoken right at the beginning. I'm not sure what exactly wore me down. It probably didn't help (me) that everyone loved him. Everyone thought he was great. & I had comments from various people along the way, wondering if I was missing something from the Lord . . . One lady Kay, repeatedly, saying "I don't know. . . he sure is going to make someone a good husband." I remember being tired of it once and saying back, "Yes, he probably will. I'm not sure whose husband he is, . . . I just know he's not mine". Funny,. . . cause at the end of those three months, it's like I just caved. & Suddenly I looked out at all these people, who knew God . . . and I looked at him, who knew God . . . and I thought to myself "Surely ALL these people can't be wrong and I'm the only one right here."
& That's all it takes. That's all it took . . . one thought. One thought and a tired person who was also lonely. Then followed thoughts of, "Well you don't love each other, but . . . you are good friends. That probably wouldn't be so bad." More thoughts . . . "Maybe God has something for us to do . . . " More thoughts . . . .
The Lord tried to stop me. Besides initially telling me, He really didn't let it get more "comfortable". I was at ease with him as a friend and talking about "God stuff", but that's really all we had. I was not attracted to him, even though he was not a bad looking man. What we liked to do vary greatly and how we viewed work did too.
The moment I mouthed that I had been thinking and wondered if maybe God WAS trying to do something, . . . I ended up engaged. That's was April 4th. We were married on May 12th. We didn't allow really any time for anyone to secong guess. & At the time, the Pastor was sure we shouldn't let any time pass, or I might, indeed, change my mind.
Just days before the wedding God even gave me a dream of seeing myself in bright sunshine, alone, walking down the road AWAY from the house we were then going to live in. In the dream, a car came quickly up the road and slammed on the breaks. The window rolled down and I saw my Pastor who look at me very angrily and said, "What are you doing?!?!?!" and I wanted to say something but was unable to . . . . Then he said,"Get inthe car!!!" And I did . . .
By the time I had this dream, though, I was so turned that all I remember thinking . . . and saying aobut it was, "Man, the devil sure will do anything to get you not to do what God wants!" hmmm--- Wow, hindsight.
& When that didn't work, the very night before the wedding I stopped athte new house to see him before I went home. He was there with his best friend/best man. I happily told him about visiting my friend Chuck before I arrived, He got very angry. He proceded to tell me I would not be talking to or seeing him anymore. I got very upset. After all, I had talked very infrequently to this friend Chuck, who I had known for years, who was the only one of the prior eight years of my life that I had contact with. Chuck and I were never more than friends. & This new man knew I occasionally checked in on him etc. After all, this man was the only friend that stuck with me and checked on me every now and gain after losing the man I loved. He was only one of that whole period of my life I ever saw. & I had plainly told this guy how much Chuck meant, how I couldn't wit for him to know him and how he was a true friend and it needed to remain that way------before this night. I was upset. So was he. I got so upset I opted to leave. He didn't want me to, not that way. Then he was afriad that I would cancel the wedding, which was the next day. & He manhandled me and pushed me around that night not letting me go. I even called out to the friend, but he chose to stay out of it. Finally he did let go and I did leave, distraught and confused but still telling him that I wouldn't cancel. . . . & Let me say, I know he didn't mean to. He did, though. & If nothing up to that point made me stop in my tracks, that should have. I can't explain why it didn't. I guess by then I thought that surely God must have a plan. So despite the huge uneasiness, I had determined to follow through, . . . even without love, even with no understanding of it, despite what had just happened. So that night I drove home. the next day I showed up and had to have my sister put make-up on a trail of bruises on my upper left back, that I assume was gotten from landing up again something . . .
And that day I stood before God and man and had made promises, that in the end, neither of us kept.
& Sitting here now, I know that God would have preferred that we kept our vows, stayed together and let Him walk us through it. Sitting here now I also know that He really really isn't not obligated to "bless" something that wasn't His idea.
When we had to move, that man did not come with me. It was the weirdest time. There was no explanation and yet we'd show up on church on Sunday and sit together etc. I heard through the grapevine that the first couple weeks he'd went camping, to the races, fishing . . . etc. On my end all I knew is he hadn't come and he didn't explain why . . . but I didn't ask either.
I also know two days in, me and my daughter in the house in town, carrying a box from the garage I broke completely down on the back step. & I cried that day aloud and I was apologizing to God again for failing. I rmember even saying how I didn't even know what I had done this time . . . & I had looked at the back of the house, which ironically the same house I had lived in before when he came and I borke down more. & I cried out, being sorry that I, in essence, just really felt I was going backwards and that here I am Lord, even back at the same house . . .
At the moment I cried out my apology and heart to God, He just seemed to wash over me with this very warm and full feeling . . . and inside all it felt like was "It's okay that you;re going backwards." & Peace washed through me like warm syrup . . .
The very next day, in almost the same place, carrying yet another box from the garage to the house, I just had this feeling come over in my very gut that said, "Don't worry, it isn't coming back". Immediately I took that to mean, or "just knew" that meant the "marriage" I did not understand. & Whether right or wrong, . . . I felt relief.
I did feel for the first six months though, that I was to "do nothing" about it. & I didn't. Still, conversations didn't happen. No one came to reclaim their wife or anything. It was just odd. Very weird.
So again, as in the beginning, six months after being separated, . . . I no longer felt I should be singing from stage. I didn't want people looking on, and considering me leadership when obviously things in my life had gotten to such an odd place, . . . and because my heart no longer was for the idea of restoration . . .
I knew from God talking to me that it would unravel and be no more. I didn't know how though.
We were separated about 15 months to the day before a dissolution was signed and ruled over.
He went his way and I went mine. We both, thankfully, wished each other well. & I really do hope wherever he is he is blessed and enjoying where God has Him. I never see him anymore.
So many lessons there. Most of them after the fact. Most, though, wouldn't not have been suffered or walked out by either of us, had I actually listened to, trusted and not waivered on what I knew that I knew that I knew God had told me.
When we are weak or tired, the enemy surely does come in like a flood and he will take us off course using anything, even something or someone wonderful.
We just all have to walk close enough that we can hear Him . . . and then close enough that we are not moved.
Yes, I truly miss praise and worship on a coroporate level. I cannot explain the "feeling" of being "home" that I had all those years . . .
But- I do still do praise and worship - now in a quieter way, I guess, to the God who has never forsaken me, . . . even when I have forsaken Him.
I don't know what is in store for me or my walk now. I have some indicators but even there I am not sure.
I think singing is in there, also eventually speaking- to whom or where, . . . I have no idea. Writing? not sure. I sometimes think God uses writing as therapy for me . . .
I still deliver bread most weeekends to needy and un-needy alike. Was a door he opened and kept me in.
Other than that, I am almost at a loss. Hasn't been often that I have been left with no words. I guess, I guess this has been a different season of my life.
Just a different season . . .
God bless-
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